Australian Baristas

Why are so many hipster baristas determined to make you feel unwelcome in their cafes? I noticed it in Oz, and sure as hell notice it with Australian baristas in the UK. Yeah, your coffee standard is great, and your beard looks cool, but there’s no need for the pretension. You’re steaming milk, not curing AIDS, chief.


Showers are for showering.

Why do people take iPads or phones into the bathroom to play music while they shower? It causes them to take much longer than necessary, as they aren’t focusing on getting clean and getting out. You might wonder why this annoys me. Well, I don’t take much pleasure in waiting longer than needed to use the bathroom, or evenly splitting an electric heating bill with someone who spends far longer in the shower than I. My brother and sister used to do it at home. My roommate does it. It’s a sign of a pathetic attention span and it needs to be shamed.

I am not Skrillex

I bought a MacBook Pro and started learning electronic music production around August last year. I’ve been in rock bands for years, but always wanted to go solo because I’m a prick who was always arguing with bandmates. Electronic music sounds cool, seemed easier to make than playing guitar in a studio, and was something I could do on my own. Except there’s still a learning curve. And of course, I sucked initially. I still suck. All I could think about was the fact that there were a lot of other producers out there (younger than me) who could make sicker beats than me, right now. And I held that mentality for what’s nearly been 10 months (too lazy to count). It delayed my progress and scared me out of trying to get better. Because all I could think was “man I suck, this is going to take forever to learn”. Except the other day when I was out driving somewhere, I thought “If I’d kept a consistent practice and learning schedule each day, I’d probably be starting to get somewhere with electronic production now”. So now I feel like shit for wasting all those months. Now I feel like shit for sitting around watching Sex & the City these past three or four weeks. I’ve had all the free time in the world, and all I’ve done is watch re-runs, gain weight and occasionally update this shit blog. Fear of failure can actually paralyse productivity. That’s not just some bullshit cheesy line. Stop reading this shit blog post, and go spend an hour doing something you know you should be doing but are putting off on account of a fear of not getting anywhere.

Conversations That Failed Musicians Are Bored Of Having

I saw an article today called “Conversations That Dancers Are Bored Of Having”.

I read it. It inspired me to write a similar article;

“Conversations That Failed Musicians Are Bored Of Having”

Hey dude, was wondering if you would ever do a tab of [MY SONG TITLE]? Really love that song.

Mate, I don’t put in the effort to practice often enough to play my songs well. Why would I put in the effort to teach you how to?

We would love if you would be able to perform in the form of non for profit and come and show your support for our [ORGANISATION NAME].

I am currently trying to sell a pair of used steel cap work boots on Gumtree for $25. My previous employer gave them to me for free. Do these sound like the actions of someone who can do anything in the form of ‘non for profit’? If you had any clue how difficult, frustrating, financially fruitless and expensive it is to create and maintain a band that doesn’t suck, you would never ask one to play for free.

We are exploring our interests and sharing them with the wider community. To enhance our videos we were wanting to use music from up and coming Australian bands, that we love to listen to. We are not being paid to do this. Would we be able to use your song [MY SONG TITLE SPELLED INCORRECTLY] as a backing track for a video? Full credit would be given to you at the end of our video. 

You’re asking if we’ll hand over free licensing of a song that took literally hours upon hours to write and record, and cost AT LEAST $1000 to do so? In exchange for the exposure that a brand new YouTube channel with shit all followers might provide? Let me think about it. In the mean time, are you perhaps interested in a pair of quality steel cap work boots?

Why do you have a “new” band name ? Your last name was something with “red .. ” or wasn’t it? And Sorry for my bad English!

No, it was not. Why do you message non-famous bands who have barely played a gig or released any music in two years?

There may be a sequel to this article. Also, don’t start a band. It’s expensive, demoralising and hard. Be a fucking DJ or electronic music producer. They basically get paid/laid the same, don’t have to split it with three or four other members and don’t have to lug amps and drums up stairs.